Brine. Adjust the size by ratio

Do Thanksgiving right for once, ok?

Posted By: Jason Hinkle-more holier than thou > 99%er

Date: 11/22/11 14:26

So yeah, the question was asked about how to do a turkey right. Brine it. Done. It doesn't matter how you are actually cooking the bird or how you are serving it. Brine that motherfucker first. It makes it harder to fuck up when you actually cook it. Brining the bird first brings out the flavor and adds a shit ton of juicy goodness to the bird, so if you take the time and effort to brine, it's a hell of a lot less likely to end up with a dry bird. Almost impossible. It also indirectly speeds up the cooking of the bird, because DON'T BASTE THE MOTHERFUCKING BIRD.
Repeatedly opening the oven door for no reason other than to paint the goddamned bird serves no purpose, and just cools down the bird. So knock that shit off.
What is a brine, you ask? 2 gallons water, 2 cups salt. Pretty simple. You can add seasoning but you don't have to-really what you're looking for here is to have the saltwater tear up and tenderize and soak the meat.
Here's the brine I've always used- While they say to use a FOOD GRADE bucket, I've always used a 5 gallon Gott insulated water jug. It helps to keep the bird at temperature. It also helps that I turn the temp in the garage down to about 45°F. You do not want to let it get over normal refrigerator temperature. A few disjointed protips--Defrost the bird. Now. Get it and do it. NOW.
You want to let the bird defrost in the kitchen which takes a couple days, then you have to brine it overnight before cooking. -Start out with the oven hotter than the lowest levels of hell. Hot initial temp will bring the bird up to temperature quicker and browns the skin of the bird, while the later cooking temp will cook the bird. -

Rub one out. Immediately prior to roasting, rub that fucker down with Canola oil. That plus the hot as fuck heat will give it that crazyassed perfect golden brown look. You can lightly dust it with Sage, Thyme, and Marjoram now too. It won't do much for the taste necessarily, but it'll make your dick hard when you smell it. -
Become a fruiter. Stuff apples or pears up in the cadaver. Fuck a bunch of stuffing-stuffing should be cooked OUTSIDE of the cadaver. Never fuck up your life by stuffing fucking stuffing up in a goddamed bird. NEVER. Put a few fruits up in there, after you stab them with a spork-as errthing cooks, the juices from the fruits will intermingle with the dead shit and it will make delicious love inside your mouth.
No citrus, just stick with apples and pears and shit like that. -
Like a soon to be dead hooker, your bird deserves to be face down. This will help keep the white meat in the breast moist. It won't look traditional while it's cooking, but after it's rested you can roll it over for that Norm Rockwell pic. -Let that fucker rest. After it's done cooking it's not done cooking. Cover it up with aluminium foil and let it rest for at least 15 minutes before you start slashing it like an uppity hooker. You can either leave it in the stove (after you shut the heat off, of course) or leave it on top to rest. I've always just turned the heat off and cracked the door-usually at this point I've got the stovetop You don't have to like Alton Brown's on-air persona in order to appreciate the fact that he compiles classic easy to use basic recipes, and how to roast a turkey without fucking it up is one of his most useful. Also, if you are of a state of mind that makes you want to kick the fucking teevee over when he's on it, don't-just go to food network online and find his recipes there. Merry fuckin' Kwanzaa, my bitches.

Remeber-if you don't smoke Tarryltons... FUCK YOU.

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