Hold onto your hats.
So, I'm a plank owner, per se, at the old Subguns board. This is my fourth handle. I've retired the previous three for various reasons I won't go on about here. No other reason than it was time for a new one. So, yeah, I've been around since Janet fucked over Dan over the payments on the last issues of Machine Gun News and Vollmer's board went Tango Uniform and Tom made us a new home. So that fucking long. I think I was online the first night Tom opened the old old board. Mongo was my next door neighbor for while. Literally.
Back around 2000 I was 37 and single. I ran into this chick at work who was 26 and smoking hot. Because of the age difference, I was extremely reluctant to hit that the first night I met her, mainly because the gal that introduced us was the wife of my best friend, and he was sort of a holy roller. His wife had huge tits, but he was a Holy Roller. I felt it important to let y'all know about her gigantic firm teats, because, its important. They. were. huge. And firm. (cough).
So anyway they introduce us. And I was a sorta nice gentleman the first three months. Fast forward to the last night of the third month: I banged her so hard I think I reset the church bells in town. If you could have pulled me out of her that night you would be the King of England. Again, I was 37, she was 26, and she had ginormous tits on a trim frame. 36D if you need to know. She's up to 38G these days. But I digress. But, huge tits. And a screamer. Dirty talker if she is a little tipsy. So, the whole package.
Anyway, we banged. A lot. The record was 8 times in one memorable day on a Saturday when we were both off of work. After five years of nearly non stop enthusiastic banging I asked her to marry me.
Result? More banging. Just in more states. She followed me as my career took me all over the USA and a few places overseas. She rarely left my side. We married around 2005. And decided we wouldn't mind a few rug rats.
So. More banging.
And....no kids. We tried for kids from 2005 until 2014 when we finally decided to seek professional help. I enthusiastically provided several samples to most of the nurses in the fertility office. Also including the dentists office next door. I've never had so much fun whacking off since.
After all the doctors visits, we were told it would not happen. I had mediocre swimmers (think of a bunch of stoned teenagers at the local swimming hole just dog paddling around the pond) and her eggs were intermittent.
Oh well. We decided that if kids were not in the cards we'd focus on having fun. We did. And...more banging.
And then around 2018 something changed. She started calling me at work to come home for nooners. Now realize we'd been married for over 12 years by then, her curves were very familiar to me by now, it was a road well traveled. But something under her hood changed.
We started banging a lot more. Like teenagers with parents out of town banging. She'd come in from work and leave a trail of clothes halfway out the house and halfway in. I was sorta scared for a bit. I felt ...used.
And after one drunken memorable weekend in Salt Lake City she called me at work to tell me something was wrong. She couldn't put her finger on it, but she felt something was different about her body.
I dropped what I was doing and we went see our local GP that day. The GP called in their OB/GYN and started asking questions. I enthusiastically shared with them the record amount of sex we'd been having and worried that I might have broken something. They laughed. I giggled. It was that kind of a day.
Until the tests came back.
And I shit you not. To discover that I was going to be a first time dad at the age of 55 was like finding out that Wayne Burnham was real and that most of his stories were true. I was flabbergasted.
I actually said to the OB/GYN: "How could this happen?"
And she said "Well, when a man and a woman are in love, the man will sometimes insert his...." whoa whoa whoa I said. I get it. But HOW? WHY? WHY NOW?
"Sometimes nature finds a way" was all she said with a big fat grin.
So anyway. Just so you guys know. I am the proud father of a happy healthy 10 month old son who is going to inherit one helleva NFA collection. And I hope he likes WW2 M1911A1's and pre-lock S&W's because they are all going to be his one day.
I'm 56 now. She is 43 now and still hot. We don't bang as much as we used to mainly because we are both exhausted but I am so fucking happy about the kid I don't care.
When the kid is past one years old we're gonna try for lightning striking twice. So wish us luck.
Oh, and yeah. Pregnancy boobs for the win.